Winter chill

Cold wind pushes me
Tell me to control my steps
For if my eyes fail to see
Cold wind will make me slip

Gray clouds follow me
Tell me that I'm on my own
For if I feel security
Gray clouds soak me to the bone

Freezing air numbs me
Tell me that I'm still alive
For if I ever doubt it
Freezing air shall revive

Colors and Promises

I have 3 more empty canvases to fill. This is probably the biggest set I've ever done, and I am very proud of what I'm doing so far.
So proud, in fact, that I plan on using these pieces as a catalist to get my work put on display somewhere.

The inspiration in my life astounds me.

I look forward to sharing this project with people when it's completed.

Not Just Another Year

Around my birthday it is normal for me to write a summation of what I have learned the past year... This year I'm not even sure where to begin.
Early in the year I stopped letting fear control me. I learned that giving up on my dreams of a happy, and bright future was not an option anymore.

This year I went from being abused, to taking control of my own life. Now I am a surviver.

It doesn't seem real that my birthday is only two days away. It doesn't seem real that this year is almost over. I felt like it was just getting started, only to realize that because of my abuser the first 5/6 month of this year have seemed to disappear somewhere in my mind.
In and out of court, fighting slander and seeking protection. Canvasing the area for a job.
I went from over a year of unemployment to having a job that I absolutely love. I went from being told I was lazy, stupid, and worthless to being praised and admired for my hard work and determination.

I have so many wonderful people in my life, that I never would have met if this year had gone differently... People who very quickly signed their names on a piece of my heart.
I learned that love surrounds me whereever I go. I learned that I love deeply and fully and with everything in me, every time.

I learned my own strength. I can overcome any thing that life throws at me.

I look forward to 2013 and the lessons to come. There are great things in the works for me, it's just up to me to make things how I want them to be.

All consuming

Obsessive thoughts
Of this demand of time
Lessons taught
By men on my dime

Harder and harder
I prove my worth
Broken I barter
With my own rebirth

See this lust
For life being lived
Shake off the dust
From opinions to give

Confidence gained
In the work I do
Masks are named
I wear for you

Anything you want
It's my position to serve
Bodily haunt
A ghost of the nerves

Thanks for Giving

I would like to show my gratitude to all the wonderful people who have touched my life this year.

Jason,
You are more than a manager to me. I love coming to work on the nights I know I get to work with you. You make me smile, you make me laugh, and your thoughts and opinions mean the world to me. I appreciate everything you do, and every conversation we have. You inspire me to be a stonger person and make something of my life. Thank you.

Jimmy,
You are a rock star in my eyes. You brought me into the Fish family because you saw that I would fit even when I didn't think I could. Your encouragement drives me to work my ass off just to make you proud. Upon first meeting you, I had no idea that you would turn out to be so kind, down to earth, and personable. Your smile lights up my day. Thank you.

Alexis,
You are one of the most laid back chicks I know. I am so glad to have gotten to know you as more than just a coworker. You've helped me grow and learn in this business, maybe more than anyone else. You tell it like it is, and I love that about you. Thank you.

Kristen & Charles,
I feel like you guys have really taken me under your wings and enjoy watching me work hard, learn and succeed in what I do. I had no idea just how noticeable my hard work was until Kristen told me how proud she was of me. You like me, you really like me, and that in it's self means more to me than anything. Thank you.

Alex,
You are a hard ass, but I love you. You push my limits, but I know it's because you know I am smart enough to figure out how to make it work. You teach me and believe in me. Thank you. (I'm still waiting on those olives though...)

Don,
You are like a brother to me. I feel like I could come to you at any time, with anything, and you would be there for me. I have so much faith in you, you are going to succeed in all you undertake and I cannot wait to watch you fly. Miami baby. Thank You.

Shayla,
If it weren't for you I never would have found this amazing Fish family. I love that I can talk to you about anything and you never judge me. You are an honest, kind, and beautiful person. I am so lucky to know you. Thank you.



There are a few people I'd like to thank... But words could never express just how much gratitude I hold for them...

Lis, Tauna, Brien, Voron, Callen, Dom, and the rest of my found family,
  You guys saved my life. Literally. I would not be who I am today without any of you. There is no way I can ever express or give back what you all have given to me. You've given me a new life. Thank you is not enough, but it is all I have to give. I love you guys.



There are so many more people who have given me hope and strength the past few months... I hope you all know who you are...

Salesman smile

You've got those smiling eyes that melt the ladies.
That soft spoken tone that drives women crazy.
You're strong... You're sweet...
You've got all the right moves.
When given the choice, you're who they choose.

Little did we know it's just a salesman's way.
The attention, the affection...
A predator stalking his pray.

What's worse than all that is how convincing you are.
How you can tear a girl down and she'll still feel like a star.
Little changes, empty comments.
We're never good enough for your standards.
We should feel lucky and just learn to manage.

Till we're not sure who we are anymore other than "his girl".
Shadowed from the spotlight
As life unfurles.

Who do you think you are with that salesman smile?
You're given an inch and you steal a mile.
A Womanizer, A chauvinist
With the strongest of masks.
Unable to expose you to others in your grasp.

Aching from the torture
Of what I felt for you
But selling the smile
Is all you care to do...

Music of the Morning

This love
Fleeting, burning
assaulting my senses

No love of mine
Not love for me
Not hard to find
Always hard to see

That love
Heartbeat steady
Slowly growing deeper

No love of mine
Not love for me
Not hard to find
I'm starting to see

Self love
Distant, hurting
But on this I'm working

A love of mine
My love for me
Easy to find
As long as I see

Bus stop

Waiting to go
watching and waiting
scars that don't show
Loving and hating.

It takes control to know control
but reverence is all I have
for this life finally out of it's hole
A future up for grabs.

Passion unknown
With all that I do
Independence and strength
A rebirth so true.

Thoughts pulled away
A thousand directions
This autumn won't stay
But time is affection.

Growing up

The opportunity has risen for me to move into my own apartment. It's just one bedroom in a house with two roommates but it would be a brand new experience for me. I've never really had to pay steady rent on my own before, I've always lived with family or friends.

I think I am going to go for it, but of course I need to see the room and meet the people first. They have to be pretty cool, I can't live stuck up people. I just can't. I want to be able to feel comfortable there.

It's right in Old Town... I fucking love OT. It's so beautiful, and all the artist types that live there and hang there are amazing. I could finally hit the torpedo factory and network with other artists. I wouldn't have to worry about Lis picking me up from work. I could walk anywhere I needed to be. (I love walking all over OT, and it would be good for my health to start walking more anyway.)

It really feels like the next chapter, the next step, is in motion. I'm uber excited about my life right now.

Rock star

The admiration I hold for this guy is amazing. Every time he talks to me I am taken aback that he even acknowledges my existence. The kicker is that he seems to genuinely appreciate me and the hard work I put in.
I feel very lucky to know him and his beautiful wife. They are the closest thing to rock stars that I will ever meet. So beautiful, so kind, so genuinely perfect in what seems like every way.
His smile brightens my day, it really does. He gives wonderful advice and I love him for it. I'm very lucky to have such an awesome guy as a manager... Never would have thought when I first met him that he would be such a huge part of my life now.
But he isn't the only amazing guy in my life... There are so many wonderful men I look up to. That I feel comfortable with. It makes me so happy. It really is an awesome feeling.

Dear Heart

Dear Heart,
It's nice to talk to you again. I know it's been a while since you were able to open yourself up, but can I make a request? Can you be a little more careful this time? You don't have to have everything all at once, if it's meant to happen it will come in time. Don't push too hard.
 Oh and something else, Heart. Why do you run and hide so often? You've been hurt before, but you've come through it, so why be afraid of being hurt again? I would rather you be hurt than for you to hurt someone else. It's just not right to tuck your tail and hide away... Please don't do that this time. Please confront your fear of rejection and pain, and stay open to communication. This time will be different, if you can do that for us.
 Your new fullness is beautiful, by the way. I really think it's worth working for. You know, working on patients, communication, and focusing on all those things you need to do to get to where you want to be. You can't have your cake and eat it too, first you have to gather the ingredients, mix them together properly, and then bake the damn thing. Right now you are still in the gathering ingredients phase, and I do believe it's going well. So lets keep working hard on that together and someday that cake will be worth saving a piece in the freezer.
                                                       Your's truly, with nothing but hope,
                                                                  Our Mind