The words.

You talked about marrying me. You talked about having children with me. You told me you would take care of me, support me, and show me the world.
You craved my touch, as I yours. An addiction I never expected to have, and it felt SO true. As if the rest of the world was the lie... and this was the only truth. We were the only truth.
But the only reasons I was so convinced were the way you looked at me and the electricity I felt when we touched. I saw the most beautiful image of myself that I have ever seen, reflected back to me every time I looked in your eyes.

...

That is why I am hurt. Because now, from the things you have said to me and the things you haven't said that I know anyway, all of those amazing moments are tarnished. I was just a game you were playing. Life, is just a game you are playing.

What I am trying to take away from this is that you showed me what kind of love I am really searching for and I will not accept anything less. Because I deserve to feel that kind of love, in a true form. I deserve to feel the way you made me feel but for real this time... and the promises will be kept and the dreams will come true... I thought it would be you, even though I knew better from the beginning, somehow I was still convinced.

Now that I know it will never be YOU... I'm holding out to feel that way again. Maybe you ruined me... If you did that's fine... Because I would rather you be my last than nothing at all...

Commit and Paddle

You're sitting in the middle of the river and the tide as gently pulling you farther from shore. Fishermen on the docks grumble about you under their breath. The sun beams down, illuminating your reflection on the water. A boat speeds towards you from the horizon leaving a large wake in it's path.
 "Let's hit it!" You tell yourself.
You commit to this and before you have time to change your mind you are already paddling forward, pushing, digging. Your senses awaken, you time your strokes with the water. In your mind you have already claimed the impending wave as your own.

Commit.

Paddle. Paddle. Paddle.

~~~~~~

When I am on the water it is easy to accept that I will get no where without hard work and pushing myself past the limits I thought I had. Why is life any different?  Why do I so often become lazy in my every day life?
I need to put these techniques into practice, I need to commit to a direction and paddle. I need to take the waves with excitement, not fear. Paddle forward, push, dig deep. Only then will I get somewhere, only then can I claim the wave as my own.

~Ayla

Bottle of wine

Life of slumber in a world unfathomable
Earth surrounds this heart
My lust is fierce for your soul's energy
My fear the reason we part

I think of the beauty we shared long lost
I dream of you each day
I cling to the hope of your peace once more
Yet this fear I hold is with me to stay

My love haunts me
Follows me
Each heart broken a piece of my own

My darkness taunts me
Engulfs me
Mistaken choices for a path alone

Continuing this game
Seeing to the end
Clinging to you
Toying with then

Plans of shadows in my mind
Backlash waits for it's time

Tell all

Sometimes, especially recently, I would love to just tell everyone exactly who I am and what I've done.
I've done things that I would not even tell my closest friends... But I want to. I want to just say fuck everything, tell the world my secrets and then move the fuck on.
Most of my "secrets" are what I would call thought crimes. Horrible things that I think... About myself, about others, about doing to myself or others...
I don't understand why my mind works this way. I like to think I'm not alone in this, but I'm pretty sure that I really am a terrible person.
I'm lazy, selfish, unmotivated, and not to mention stupid. It's like I've spent my whole life pretending to care... But deep down, I don't give a fuck about anything. And that is not fair to anyone... I've fooled everyone who cares about me into thinking that I have potential.

But... I just don't give a fuck anymore...

I'm a rock star?

Someone who, in a professional I setting, finally saw me for the hard working person I am has moved on to bigger and better things.

He hired me. He encouraged me. He pumped me up when I was down and out. And he always knew how to tell me I was doing something wrong without making me feel like I was being reprimanded, which is a huge thing for me, because I absolutely hate being  "scolded".

His unexpected departure had me in tears all night but I was able to snag a moment alone with him to tell him how much I'm going to miss him and why. He scolded me for crying, which made me laugh, then genuinely praised my work ethic...
"Hannah, you're a rock star. You don't even know. You have made such a huge difference down here..."

A... Rock star? The rock star himself is calling me a rock star.

And I believe him.

Real Talk

The warm feeling of awakening.
Leaving that comfort in the womb of your mind.

Eyes open for the first time again.
A glimer of hope in a new day.

Day after day.
But it's always the same.

Till suddenly...

it's not the same.
Open eyes shining again
with a glimer of hope.

Hope in a new life.

But open eyes grow weary
gazing on sunsets.
Repeating patterns in the clouds.

That complacency in routine.
Till suddenly...

That warmth surrounds you.

Hope always returns.

Winter chill

Cold wind pushes me
Tell me to control my steps
For if my eyes fail to see
Cold wind will make me slip

Gray clouds follow me
Tell me that I'm on my own
For if I feel security
Gray clouds soak me to the bone

Freezing air numbs me
Tell me that I'm still alive
For if I ever doubt it
Freezing air shall revive